Being an Effective Ally
Happy Pride, everyone! As a straight, cis woman with dear friends in the queer community, I am taking this June to reflect on meaningful allyship. Educating oneself on sexuality/gender-related topics, supporting legislation protecting LGBTQIA+ rights, and having tough conversations with loved ones to call out prejudice, are all steps to dismantle systems that harm LGBTQIA+ folks.
Along with these ongoing efforts, my friends in the community shared tips on being an effective ally in relationships day-to-day.
Create an inclusive environment through your language: Use gender/sexuality inclusive language even when you don’t know if an LGBTQIA+ person is present. For instance, introduce yourself with your pronouns (“I’m Rachael, I use she/her pronouns”) and ask if someone is “partnered” (don’t ask if they have a “boyfriend,”) to signal that you are a safe person for someone to share their identity with.
Ask each individual what they need from you as an ally: Like all humans, LGBTQIA+ people hold intersecting identities (race, religion, socioeconomic background, etc.) that influence the support they want. A friend urged: “Queer people are not a monolith. Step back and ask each person: what do you need?” Other questions include:
What are you comfortable discussing about your experience as a trans/gay/etc.? person?
What would be helpful to you as we enter this event together? Can I be your ally in a specific way?
Can I mainly listen at this moment? What other form of practical support can I provide?
Consider your LGBTQIA+ loved one the expert of their life: In his book Pageboy: A Memoir, Elliot Page talks about being asked—when you know you were trans or gay. He shared with NPR that this question “feels like code for— I don’t believe you. It feels like you have to prove your identity [and] you get tired of having to justify who you are”. While questions like this can stem from genuine curiosity, consider your tone and intention when responding to experiences about coming out or discrimination. These are deeply personal topics where interrogation is harmful.
And finally— center the queer people in your life! While it can feel good to affirm a friend, your job as an ally is to offer support. Don’t expect a gold star to be there! Show up with grace and celebrate the authentic expression of your queer and gender-nonconforming loves!