Supporting Your Children Through Puberty

“Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them.... It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know they've crossed into puberty? If so, it's working.”

-Tina Fey, Bossypants

In sixth grade I began the painful journey of puberty. As my breasts developed, I became more aware of how other people perceived me and the sexualization of my body. A significant trigger for my disordered eating in middle school was motivated by wanting smaller breasts and hips. I craved looking like my classmates and desperately wanted to fit in. Sadly, my experience is not unique; adolescents who get their periods early and develop sooner than their classmates are more likely to suffer from panic disorder, suicidality, body dysmorphia, substance use, and depression, which stays with them into adulthood (Mendle, 2022).

Children begin the puberty process at younger and younger ages (girls can start as early as eight years old, boys as early as nine). Puberty, a one to three year process that changes reproductive organs, sleep cycles, voice, body hair, emotional intensity, and height, can be a rollercoaster for both children and their parents. During this process, teens experience emotions more intensely than adults and feel overwhelmingly confused about the new signals their body is sending to them. I see puberty like a tunnel; it’s dark, scary, and confusing and we hope we can just hold our breath through it and get it over with.

So, what can parents do to support their children as they tunnel through this intense transition?

Be open with your children about sexuality, gender, and the upcoming changes in their body.

By being upfront with your children early about the process of puberty, they can feel more prepared and empowered for what is to come. Evidence shows that children who have a healthy sexuality awareness are more likely to feel positively about their bodies, have a better understanding of gender identity, and feel comfortable with emotions and boundaries (Sandahl, 2018).

Listen without trying to fix.

Encourage your children to talk about what is happening to them and to share their fears. By listening and validating, your children will feel heard and be more likely to come to you with future fears. Instead of jumping in to save or problem solve, get curious about how your child sees the problem and what they would like to do to solve it.

Pay attention to the flags.

While some behavior changes during puberty is normal (increased sensitivity, needing more sleep, pushing back on boundaries), it is important to be aware of risky behavior. Seek out therapy if you fear that your teen has anxiety, depression, or you noticed a big change without explanation. Remember, parents are going through this process with their child, so don’t be afraid to reach out for support for yourselves too!