ADHD in Partnership
If you and your partner are mixed neuro-types, it might feel like you’re speaking different languages! A common challenge couples bring to my office is when one person has ADHD and the other is neurotypical; ADHD impacts the development of the frontal lobe and dopamine receptors in the brain, leading to struggles with executive functioning tasks like chores or goals that require delayed gratification, like saving up for a big purchase. A neurotypical partner often takes on more household labor and is constantly checking in with their neurodiverse partner about getting things done.
Because our culture privileges the neurotypical brain, individuals with ADHD usually receive excessive criticism from an early age. Behaviors attributable to ADHD, like turning homework in late or getting distracted during a conversation, are characterized as laziness or rudeness. This can chip away at a person’s self-esteem over time. It’s easy for romantic relationships to mirror those early rejections, leaving the partner with ADHD feeling misunderstood, ashamed, and belittled. Partners can even feel stuck in a parent-child like dynamic, which is not fun or sexy for anyone!
Luckily, with education and mutual effort it is completely possible to find common ground and improve your connection.
Here’s a tip for my ADHD partners: paint a picture of your experience for your partner using imagery and metaphors. I have seen descriptions such as: I feel trapped behind a glass wall, looking out at all the tasks before me but I’m unable to get through the wall to start. Others describe feeling like my brain is a sports car using bike pedal brakes; it’s going a million miles a minute and very hard to slow down, which can impact the pace of my speech. Non-ADHD partner: it’s your job to listen compassionately. Having this shared language can help the partner with ADHD to feel understood and helps the neurotypical partner depersonalize challenges.
Find practical tools! Use a shared digital calendar and reminder alarms in your phone so that time sensitive tasks are visible to both partners. Use body doubling, or tackling chores simultaneously in the same physical space (i.e. one person washes the dishes while the other folds the laundry nearby). This can really support the partner with ADHD to stay on task. This is a great opportunity to call on friends and family for extra support too. EVERY couple benefits from a village.
Finally, celebrate the superpowers ADHD brings! People with ADHD often generate new ideas rapidly and hyper-focus on their passions. They can also feel deeply, leading to an empathic, justice oriented, and values driven mindset. It can feel amazing, for example, when your partner fervently defends you or puts their all into a shared project you’re both excited about. Recognizing strengths of ADHD and how these improve your relationship dispels the parent-child trap and cultivates mutual respect and appreciation.
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Rachael is an LCPC at AACG. She helps clients understand patterns shaped by stress or trauma and build stronger, more meaningful relationships with themselves and the people in their lives. Her approach integrates relational and trauma-informed therapies, including psychodynamic, Internal Family Systems, CBT, DBT, and narrative therapy, while creating a collaborative space for growth and healing. Rachael can be reached at rachael@amandaatkinschicago.com.