The Grief of Adoption

Roughly 2% of the American population is adopted, with most of that being within the biological system (think, grandparents adopting biological grandchild). There’s no arguing that adoption is a beautiful way to form a family, but what’s often overlooked is the immense grief involved in the process.

Adoption involves unanswered questions, a sense of loss, and often feelings of disconnect. It can also present a loss of culture and estrangement from important factors of identity. And while much of the focus of adoption tends to be on the newly formed family unit, the birth parents are often left with an immense sense of loss that lasts a lifetime. For adoption to even exist, there must be a less-than-ideal situation for the birth parent. Adoption is often birthed out of a child being taken away, the foster system, incarceration, disability, teen or unwanted pregnancy, poverty, or death.

To care for adoptees, our society must thoughtfully tend to the birth parent and the grief of the adoptee. The National Council for Adoption cites seven core issues adoptees can struggle with, including loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identify, intimacy, and control. Even in writing these, I felt a heaviness. But I’m reminded that as much as adoption is a loss, it is also a renewed sense of belonging and allows a family to feel complete. All of this coexists! And just as within all losses, we must allow room for the hard feelings to breathe and make sure to not avoid the tough conversations.

As always, here’s to having the hard conversations and seeing all the beautiful shades of gray life has to offer!