How Do We Choose a Sperm Donor? (ask a therapist!)

Hi,

My wife and I are preparing for IVF and trying to decide if we should use a known sperm donor (we have a sweet friend who is open to the idea) or an unknown sperm donor. Any advice on how to make this decision?

Signed,

Mommies to Be,

Dear Mommies to Be,

First off, what a beautiful question. I’m honored you reached out. There are so many ways to create a family: donors, adoption, chosen family, IVF, and there’s no single “right” way to start. Like most things in parenting, this journey is full of big, messy, unanswerable questions: daycare or nanny share? Sleep training or night feedings? Circumcision or not - ooof that one was hard…..Known donor or unknown donor?

These decisions can feel overwhelming, but let me start by saying: You and your wife are absolutely equipped to make the right choice for your family. Here are a few things to consider as you navigate this:

What the Research Says

Child Well‑Being:  Studies show that kids conceived via donor sperm, known or unknown, generally do just as well as naturally conceived children when it comes to emotional and psychological health, family dynamics, and self-esteem.

Identity Stress: Some children conceived through unknown donors have expressed identity stress later on and needed support to process it. Some say they think about their donor "every day."

Known Donor Stress: That said, known donors aren’t a stress-free option either. Some parents report issues like blurred boundaries, co-parenting confusion, and tension if the donor feels pressured or overly involved.

Parental Satisfaction: Across the board, most parents (about 77.5% in one study of lesbian moms of 17-year-olds) were satisfied with their choice—whether they used a known donor, open-ID donor, or anonymous donor. The biggest predictor of a child’s well-being isn’t the donor type, but how openly and early the parents talk about the conception story.

Questions to Reflect On

• When you picture your future family, do you imagine having a relationship with the donor?

• What do you notice in your body when you think about using a known vs. unknown donor? What do those emotions inform you about your decision?

• What’s your budget? (Sperm vials run about $1,000 each, and working with a known donor can be more expensive once you add legal fees, genetic testing, etc.)

• Are you comfortable asking your friend about their medical and family history? Are you both ready to draft a legal agreement?

So, how do you choose?

Think about the role you'd want the donor to play in your child’s life. What kind of relationship (if any) do you want your child to have with their donor? Let your values guide your answer. For example, my wife and I chose a donor with Chinese heritage because blending our cultures was deeply important to us. That felt like a full-body “yes” for our family.

No matter which path you take, what matters most is that you're creating a family built on love and intention. You’re capable of having the big, brave conversations with your child when the time comes, and being a soft landing if they struggle.